Mom's Brain - What Sticks and What Doesn't

In the 3-1/2 years Mom and I have shared a house, she has become a different person than she was when we started this project. For her, being almost 86 is a lot different than it was at 82. My assumptions four years ago were that I'd work during the day in my home office, take care of the pets, and do the yard work, she would share making dinner and do the bulk of the routine housework. Housework had always been her specialty and her purpose. (She was, and is still, obsessive about doing laundry).

In Fall of 2020 when we made our new house plan she was still doing her own shopping and cooking, and going to her various medical appointments. Then about a year and a half later my brothers (who live a few states away) noticed before I did that she wasn't retaining the information they were sharing when they called her. She was repeating herself. 

I had taken over paying her bills for her when we moved to our new house, and she was glad for that. The money management was always Dad's job. But she no longer remembered how much money she had, and where it was kept. She became intermittently fearful and suspicious about it, although the bulk of the time she was happy (and still is) that she doesn't have to worry about finances.

A little more than a year ago I started going along into the doctor's office, and setting Mom's medical appointments. First, I had to be the driver, but second, she would forget what symptoms caused her to set the appointment, and what instructions the doctor gave. She was in such a routine with her maintenance medications at home that she forgot changes prescribed by the doc. This resulted in arguments back at home when it came time to modify the contents of her pill caddy. I took over the filling of the caddy and refilling of meds, and she does not like that. But she had a tendency to self-diagnose and tweak her meds, and a couple of times landed in the ER as a result. She can't remember those incidents.

Mom was officially diagnosed with dementia 6 months ago. The gerontologist told us it was a combination of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. There's so much great stuff to say about the gerontologist that I'll save it for its own post.

Right now Mom talks a lot about her parents and her childhood. It surprises me that she doesn't talk much about when our family was younger, when my brothers and I were all in school and at home. She remembers in vivid detail about her childhood home, her friends, high school, and her life then.

She doesn't remember appointments from moment to moment, even though they are written on the wall calendar by her seat in the kitchen and listed on the note I put by her placemat every morning. On a few days she didn't recall how she knew my ex-husband when he was visiting at the house. (He was devastated by this). And she couldn't recall the name of my one brother's wife, to whom he's been married for 10 years.

Electronics are becoming more baffling by the day. Finding phone numbers on her phone address book, finding and sending emails, even answering the land line, are becoming more difficult. Her hearing aids can be controlled by an app on her phone, but she can't find the icon on the home page or remember how to use it. We removed her computer a while back, because she was getting viruses and receiving scam messages. The iPad is the place where she hangs out, playing Words with Friends and scanning Facebook. Don't even ask me about the topic of charging her devices - she has had some creative solutions for that!

We have some help now - a woman who cleans the house, some physical and occupational therapists, and some non-medical home care aides a couple of times per week who help mom stay mobile and socialized. Mom's brain has changed, and it continues to change. My goal is to stay ahead of the changes and make arrangements that we need, without meddling overmuch in Mom's affairs or criticizing her for things she can no longer manage. Most days I think I succeed in that.